a story about brains and phones

Where am I heading? (Spoiler alert:NO IDEA!)

Wow! Where does the time go? Doesn't seem like 8 days since my last Post, does it?🙂

As promised, I'd like to write a few words about "Where am I heading?"

For no particular reason, here's a pic of me as a boy . . . .

Just to prove to my colleagues that I once had hair . . .

In case you've just dropped onto this page, let me give you a little context. As a 46 year old man, I've recently started to become aware that I am on the ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis journey. By this I mean that I have become very aware of my mental limitations and also of how differently I seem to mentally process compared to a lot of my peers.

As a Product Researcher, I'm used to digging deep to find answers. How ironic it seems that I am now researching myself! In life I think we are all guilty of advising others to do that which we, ourselves should be doing.

I've often signposted others towards self-help - yet somehow missed the glaringly obvious insofar as I would have done well to take my own advise!🙂

So in summary, my journey thus far . . .

- I noticed that I have so much in common with the descriptions around neurodiversity, in particular aspects of ASD and autism

- I started an OU (Open University) free course called Understanding Autism" - see here https://www.open.edu/openlearn/science-maths-technology/understanding-autism/content-section-overview?active-tab=description-tab

- I also reached out to Remploy who initially referred me via DWP Access to Work scheme

- My employer used the internal Occupational Health (OH) scheme to refer me to Lexxic, a specialist neurodiversity practitioner

- I've filled in the referral carefully, honestly and with as much detail as possible with help from my colleagues and family

- I'm now waiting for the formal assessment process to begin

So where am I heading?

I honestly don't know . . . and that's the beauty and power of my journey.  I'm going to "go with the flow" which is such a non-autistic thing to do it scares and delights me in equal measure! I am going into the assessment process with an open mind and will trust in the expertise of Lexxic.

Part of this process will be to agree "reasonable adjustments" for both myself and my employer. I'm a reasonable guy, but what is not so obvious for those not on the autism spectrum are things like the huge difficulties with external stimuli like noise. Take a look at this brilliant video (opens in a new tab/window) https://youtu.be/ycCN3qTYVyo to show you what I mean. As an adult, I can perhaps control my behaviours to the point where no-one sees my internal turmoil. As regards noise, I am hyper sensitive towards and more importantly, consciously aware of my environment. Each background noise consumes my attention, making it difficult to concentrate.

As I type this, I am in a room on my own with classical music playing softly in the background. In my home, I have  a greater degree of control over my environment. This cannot always be accomplished in other situations. At work, I can hear people's conversations which I shouldn't be listening to. I am easily distracted. As I go through my assessment, I will be dealing with these challenges head on - and hope to be a better, more efficient employee and human as a result!

I've recently realised my life should not be as hard as it is! (Or as hard as I’ve perhaps made it)

"The only purpose of guilt and regret is to prompt you to change something" - Chris Sadler

So whilst I did feel guilty and regretful about the impact my behaviours have had on others, and I guess myself - that is all dissipating rapidly as I embark on this journey.

I'll stop here for now. In my next Post I'll say  a few words on "Where will I end up?". Despite life being a journey and not a destination, I feel hope for the future for the first time in a long while. Losing hope is a dark place to be, and if you're reading this and feeling hopeless or helpless, don't struggle alone. Reach out to someone - you can always message me if you like and I will listen without judging.

We're all on this crazy journey called life after all.

Take care and we'll speak again soon.

Chris

Taking Shape - Where am I now?

"When I am able to be present, listening - really listening - to a viewpoint described through someone else's lens, I am here in the now and alive." - Tori Amos

If you read my previous post, I did say I was trying to summarise (not my strongest suit) into 4 sections. Where did it begin? Where am I now? Where am I heading? Where will I end up?

So tonight I'll write a few words around "where am I now?".

As it happens I'm sat on my sofa typing this before watching some Netflix as Maria is on nights . . . .🙂

Image used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license.

“What’s occurring?” - Nessa

As regards my Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis journey - quite a lot has happened. I've been speaking with an advisor at Remploy for a few months. He's a great guy and is able to clearly explain the processes I am likely to go through. In the last half hour, I've submitted my pre-assessment questionnaire to Lexxic, a specialist neurodiversity company. This is part of the Occupational Health (OH) referral enabled by my employer, Dixons Carphone.

Even though it's a simple, clearly thought out form, I took almost 2 weeks to fill it in. This is because I reflected carefully on the answers I gave about myself. I want them to be honest and relevant. I also asked my wife, my wife's aunt and several trusted friends and colleagues for their perception of me. Putting all this together, as I clicked "Send" on the email with my completed form attached, I felt a sense of relief.

I'll keep you posted with what happens, as I get the feeling things will move quickly.

Without slipping (too much) into the next Post covering "Where am I heading?" - I'm often asked "What are you trying to achieve with a diagnosis, Chris?". I know everyone is unique - but for anyone else going through or wondering about going through this process . . . here are my answers

• Validation - knowing that I'm not crazy, just different. My brain's wiring is different, not wrong

• Understanding - What are barriers? What are opportunities? What must simply be viewed differently?

• Empathy - Seeing the world through the other person's perspective and feeling their pain and/or sharing their joy

• Enablement - Seeing what a person is truly capable of. Enabling progress through opportunity creation and being actively listened to

All the above points are 4-way. In other words, they are what I seek from others, what I wish others to seek in me, and what I wish others to seek in themselves and others

In just over a week since starting this blogging process, a lot has happened around the way I feel. It has reignited a flame - long since extinguished of hope and ambition.

I'm considering all sorts of things, writing a book, becoming a spokesperson for neurodiversity but I'm getting ahead of myself. The fact that I dare to dream again proves that speaking up and reaching out for help works.

"Just remember that reaching out for help is not weakness but a sign of the strength and courage you never knew you had" - Chris Sadler (me)

Contradictions, Patterns and a Journey

"In formal logic, a contradiction is the signal of defeat, but in the evolution of real knowledge it marks the first step in progress toward a victory." - Alfred North Whitehead

Well, we meet again.🙂

Quite a few people have said they were looking forward to reading my next post. I'm going to use the word "humbling" again because it truly fits how that feels.

Regarding my journey of exploration of ASD understanding and diagnosis - I have no doubts. When it comes to blogging (or whatever this is) I'm like a gherkin pickling in the vinegar of self-doubt! So imagine my surprise when I discovered that my 1st 2 blog posts have had over 600 views. 1) Humbling 2) I shouldn't, couldn't and won't stop now. I'm committed.

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

So what has been happening on my autism journey so far? Where did it begin? Where am I now? Where am I heading? Where will I end up?

Where did it begin?

As a child, I was different and relished being so. I am an only child from Rotherham in South Yorkshire, UK. I was brought up in a loving home and raised by 2 amazing, loving and caring parents. My father passed away in 2003 and my mother lives in Rotherham.

We attended a Pentecostal Christian church and I have many happy memories of friendships and being in a caring church community.

I noticed patterns which I found strange that others had not noticed. For example, let's take the Redemption Hymnal (the major Hymn Book at the time), containing 800 hymns as I recall.

I asked my mother why one hymnist (whose name escapes me 40 years later) never had a chorus in any of their hymns. My mother looked perplexed and said she had never noticed. She checked out my claim and gave me 50 pence for the cleverness of my observation!🙂 I thought nothing of it, was just amused and disbelieving that no-one else had noticed.

We moved to Antwerp in Belgium when I was 4 years old, and didn't return to England until I was 7.

One on return visit we were on a coach back to Rotherham when I had a very bad asthma attack.

My lips turned blue and I began to struggle to retain consciousness. I persuaded a man to let me use his inhaler. He was concerned but I pointed out that the dosage of Sodium Cromoglicate would be fine for a child as the pro-rated difference of chemical ingredient could not be so finely tuned so as differentiate between us ergo it was unlikely to kill me.

I calmly added that the fact I had turned blue swayed the argument in my favour in any event.

He gave me the inhaler, I began to breathe a little better, got off the coach at the motorway services and violently threw up. Getting back on the coach, and after conversing with the coach driver, we agreed it was logical to drop my mum and I off at Casualty at Rotherham District General Hospital.

I clearly recall seeing startled patients standing around the entrance to A&E wondering why a huge coach was dropping my mum and I off.

Their astonishment truly peaked when the coach driver hand balled off our suitcases, I shook his hand and I calmly walked into Casualty.

I was placed in an oxygen tent for several days. Perhaps it was the 99.999% oxygen saturation levels or the heady ego of a 6 year old but I asked my nurse to marry me. She thought for a moment, looking very serious and then said yes with an incredible smile!🙂

I mentioned this to my wife once who pointed out that the nurse would now be in her late 70s, so my threat to trace her made Maria laugh and not the slightest bit jealous . . .🙂

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” - Margaret Mead

Anyway - all of this, whilst amusing - still seems logical to this day. Aside from asking a random nurse to marry me, I doubt I would act any different today.

As I write this now, it poignantly reminds me that we are all are the same insofar as we are all unique.

Patterns and logic form an integral and perpetual part of my outlook. Always analysing, always looking for a reason or a logical outcome.

In my next post - I'll try to write about the next aspects

Where am I now? Where am I heading? Where will I end up?

Thanks for reading - I'll catch up with you soon.

Chris

The morning after the morning after the night before

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” – Albert Einstein

On Sunday 7th February 2021 I declared to the world on the Social Media platforms I frequent, that I am on the road to an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis. The last 48 hours have been humbling. So many people have privately messaged and spoken to me to say "thanks for speaking out" and wishing me luck.

This means so much and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I've never blogged before and have no idea how this will all pan out but that makes it all the more exciting, doesn't it?

Since joining Knowhow, now Dixons Carphone, back in 2013 - my life and career have become inextricably intertwined. I work on a Campus of  several thousand people. Throughout a variety of job roles (13 as it happens) before COVID-19, I mingled with hundreds of colleagues on a daily basis from all walks of life.

I found the greatest pleasure, not in fixing problems, but helping others. When I became a Trade Union Representative and subsequently a Co-Ordinator I often dealt with colleagues who were in a bad place, bereft of hope, terrified of consequences unknown. I learnt to calmly listen, without judging and stand firm when they could not. Those moments formed bonds which endure years after events such as disciplinaries and grievances are long forgotten.

The smiles and nods as I pass colleagues with whom those shared experiences took place are mutually life-affirming and truly matter.

“What is private belongs to me alone. What is personal belongs to all of us through the shared experience of being human.” - Terry Tempest Williams

I often say that you cannot fix your own head with your own head. So the "Fixing Me" theme of my blog and journey is part ironic, part humorous but fully attainable. Why? 'Cos I ain't broke in the first place! Neither are you. It's a matter of perspective.

We will explore these truths as we go along. One of my personality traits is talking too much, closely followed by my emails being too long.

I don't intend repeating that on my blog, so that's enough from me tonight.

Thanks for reading and I hope you'll stay with me as this all takes shape. Feel free to comment, share or get in touch.

Speak soon

Chris

“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.” - Anthony Robbins

Fixing Me - An exploration of Autistic Spectrum Disorder diagnosis

As a geek, I’m expected to fix stuff. I like fixing stuff. I’m exhausted though. My brain feels like it’s hitting against glass ceilings in all directions at once. Yes - I believe brains have feelings. Do you?

So I decided, at the age of 46 - to try to fix my own brain . . . with my own brain. Quite the challenge (said my brain), I agree, said I. That’s settled then, we said so let’s go!

I only decided today 7th February 2021 - to start blogging this - so watch this space!